I always felt I was destined to be a mother. From the time I can remember, I surrounded myself with young children, even when I was a child myself. My journey to "parent-hood" started in 2007. My boyfriend and I planned to start a family and it didn't take long before I was pregnant in May of 2007. I could not have been more excited. I had names picked out long before I was pregnant and a room in the house just waiting to become a nursery. I was filled with joy the first time I heard the baby's heartbeat, But when I went in for my ultrasound in July, there was no longer a heart beat. The doctor gave me the choice of having a DNC or letting my body miscarry on its own; I chose to miscarry on my own. The next few weeks were filled with pain not only physically but mentally. I picked myself up and continued to try to have a child. Almost a year later exactly, I found out I was pregnant again. This time was unexpected but just as full of joy, and I was already 12 weeks so I thought I was safe. I heard the heartbeat again, that amazing little pound. 4 weeks later, at my 16week ultrasound I waited anxiously for the ultrasound tech to tell me that maybe we could see the sex of this child...instead I heard those horrible words again, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat"....This time I did not hold myself together so well and lost it in the office. The doctor told me this time we would have to do the DNC for safety reason. I dreaded it, and knowing I was carrying around a dead child until the surgery made things that much worse. After the surgery, I fell into a world of "drinking my pain away" and my boyfriend turned to work. He burried himself in work while I fell apart. I turned to my bestfriend for support and not long after, I found out I was pregnant again. Very unexpectedly, but again, I just wanted a child and maybe this time I would get my own child. In September of 2009 I was blessed with a beautiful litltle boy, Kyle Andrew. He could not be more perfect. Having him healed all the past pain. Kyle is now 2 years old. These days he is my only reason for living. Because in July 2011, I lost my angel, Hannah Renee. I found out I was pregnant in February 2011. I was cautious at first, I did not want to let myself get too excited "just in case." But everything was going perfectly. I had many healthy check-ups. In early, July I found out I was going to have a little girl. Shopping started immediately. Her name was picked long before I even knew she exsisted. She would be my Hannah Renee. I was so excited to have a little girl. I felt great....but a few short weeks later, I came home from playing at the beach with my son Kyle, and ran to the bathroom with a more overwhelming feeling than usual of having to pee. I looked down to see what looked like a blood clot hanging. I called 911 and was taken to the hospital. My body was going into labor. Contractions had already started. Friends and family came to my side, only to hear those words again," Im sorry,there is no longer a heartbeat". I shut down. I kicked anyone out of the room that cried, because I was not ready to let go. This couldn't possibly be happening. It was a bad dream. It only took four hours before she entered the world. She was beautiful. Dark hair like her daddy, perfect lttle nose and lips. She only weighed a pound, but the weight she left on my heart feels much heavier. The hospital made a memory box for her, with her name, footprints, and the dress and hat she wore when I held her. When I went home, I had to make a scrapbook of all her things to help me deal. Family and Friends payed to have her cremated and I have her ashes in a locket on a necklace, and in a beautiful new moon urn. I am still dealing with her loss. I still cry everday, thinking that my body failed her. I have been to the emergency room over and over again, believing that something is wrong with me and the doctors just havnt found it. But there isnt anything wrong with my health, God just needed her back for reasons I may never understand. I am still seeking help and support with this. I know I will never fully heal but Im still having a hard time with the anxiety that came with losing her. It is still hard to get out of bed most days. I am so happy to have found this website and can not wait to be a part of the memory walk.
I don't know how many days are left in my life, but I know I will spend them
- Amanda McHady