After our wedding in May, my husband and I decided that Jordyn our (3 year old daughter at the time) needed a sibling. August 2010, baby #2 has come to join our family My husband and I were thrilled of having a new baby in our lives. That moment was great! The beginning of October our doctor couldnt find a heartbeat, she scheduled us for an ultrasound the following week, but before we can see our baby, my husband and I rushed to the emergency room because I was spotting. Once in the emergency room we decided to be calm and not worry. After 5 hours waiting it was time for the ultrasound, our attendant was wonderful, he made us laugh and was very talkative, until he was trying to find the baby. The room was completely quiet and no one dared to move. After he took some pictures he wouldnt say a word to us. What was going on? The look on my husbands face showed something was wrong. The doctor came in and introduced herself to us, and made us laugh when she joked on how the hospital was trying to turn us into icicles. Then I can remember how she carefully pulled a chair close to us and softly sat down and said the baby stopped growing. My heart felt like it completely stopped, all was still, and as she stared back I put my face into my hand and began to cry. I couldnt stop, my mind was racing with questions how could this happen, what went wrong, and why did this happen! I took a moment and held my husbands hand to calm him from crying and all I can say to this doctor was how can you do this? And when she looked back at me, her eyes were filled with sorrow, she said to me Im trying very hard to keep it together. As she got up to leave the room she turned and said Ill give you a moment to yourselves... We never saw her again.
The doctors said I have a Blighted Ovum and we have to remove the empty sack, and here I was prepared for a D&C procedure and I felt like my world was tumbling down.
4 Months later in February 2011 we were blessed with a surprised pregnancy. The joy it brought to our lives was such a wonderful feeling. Nothing can go wrong On my first doctor visit I got to hear the heartbeat and see the baby on the ultrasound I laughed when the baby kept laying on its side and would not let the doctor take its measurements. But all looked well and I was satisfied. On May 2, I received a call from my doctor saying there was some fluid developing on the back of my babys neck (nothing to be worried about) she said but she scheduled me an appt with a high risk doctor 2 week from that day. My nerves were shaky and I was never the type to worry about something without a reason too. But I couldnt shake this feeling off. The day of the High risk doctor I felt great I was excited to see the ultrasound again and I couldnt wait till the doctor would say everything is just Perfect. But that confidence ended quickly, my babys fluid had increase; there was fluid all around the body, arms, legs, feet, lungs and heart. I felt myself struggling to breathe, as the doctor said to me, your baby has what its called Cystic Hygroma and is developing Hydrops. My mother in law was with me and she asked the doctor as she was fighting back her tears, How can we fix this? The doctor said there is nothing we can do with a case like this, its a 50/50 chance it might just go away or the baby can die. Die No this must be a mistake, I must be dreaming, I have to be dreaming! The doctor spoke to me and said you can continue to carry or choose to terminate the baby, but only 5% of babies with hydrops might survive, and there is a possibility your body can mirror the babys body and it could put you in a very dangerous position. It can risk any future pregnancy or it can be fatal to you. But the decision is yours to make I closed my eyes and said to god, why are you doing this to me! What have I done to you! The arrival of my husband and my family felt like a slow motion movie with soft but intense music playing in the back ground, Tears fell from my eyes as I stared into the outside looking at 2 different women holding their newborns in their arms. Face full of happiness and glowing like the stars at night. And little did they know of my sadness and my road to emptiness that awaits me as my baby continues to die inside me.
I continued to carry my baby inside me, Ill take all the risk, I didnt care but I was not going to terminate my baby, not while its heart is still beating. On my 14 week pregnancy I decided to do an Amniocentesis test to see what can be the cause of this Cystic Hygroma, Ugh such an ugly word! I can remember my mothers face as I laid on the table, she was very still and it bothered me. My husband was nervous and scared for me but he kept to my side and held my hand as the needle was inserted in me. After the procedure I asked my mom if shes ok and she cried to me and said I pray to god every night to take me instead. We cried and held each other then laughed when she said dont mention this to no one! I dont cry! When I got the call from the results the Genetic Counselor said my baby screening showed Turners Syndrome. When I heard the results all I can think about was SHES A GIRL!! And we named her Khalessi it represents Warrior Queen. She was our queen our little fighter. Now the doctor called it good Turners but we still had an issue the hydrops were getting worse. Every other week my husband and I would go to the doctor just to hear her heart beat. It kept us on the edge of our seat. By my 17 weeks pregnancy I was starting to feel her movements and I knew she wasnt going anywhere. For Fathers Day weekend my family decided to have a sleep over my parents house and we plan to go to the beach in the morning. As we all slept I was woken up in the middle of the night by my husband, who was frighten by what he thought he saw... a ghost. I clearly asked my husband how many drinks he had, and laughed but he was not laughing he kept saying Oh my God over and over and he explained to me how he saw a fluttering white figure floating around our daughter and at first he thought it was her trying to climb on me, but as he reached his arms the figured he though was Jordyn had moved towards me. He that is white light lit up the room and he can clearly see all of our faces as we slept. He said the figure floated and stood above me and then disappeared. Now my husband was not a religious person he resented God when we received the bad news but I didnt think much of it and I fell fast asleep. June 21, 2011 at 9 am another doctors appt, lets see how baby Khalessi is doing.
Khalessis heart had stopped beating, the dark cloud placed itself above us and we knew it was time to say goodbye. We called the family to inform them of the news. And we bought Khalessi an outfit, a blanket and a little stuffed Koala bear. Returning to the hospital with the mind of giving birth was the worse thought of all. I would walk in pregnant but walk out empty handed. The wait was unbearable, my body pushed her out June 22, 2011 @949 am my nurse Robin asked if I wanted to see her, and of course I did. I wondered what everyone was going to think, the hydrops took over her body and she wasnt going to look like a normal baby. When Khalessi was brought to me the nurse said we tried to take her foot prints but her skin is too delicate, she had already been gone for 3 or 4 days already. 3-4 days ago was when my husband saw what he saw It was her she was admiring us, saying her goodbyes. She was so beautiful in her little white dress with a little white hat in her beautiful she little mouth was open, with my nose and my lips, laying in a beautiful little basket, all I can think about was she is so beautiful. I looked all over the room to catch everyone crying but I couldnt cry I wasnt sad, I felt numb. I felt nothing When it was time for the D&C I was already frustrated and tired, then it hit me, I just gave birth to my baby who will never smile, laugh, cuddle or kiss me I wanted out! When the procedure was over I was rolled back into my room, only to find a Beautiful pink Keepsake box, it felt like an invitation to reality. This was all real she was gone and there was nothing I can do change that. My heart had never felt so much pain and suffering, my shoulders have never felt so low and heavy. My will to live was no longer needed. I do not want to live my life, for the rest of my life with this pain. Losing a child is losing a piece of the important side you. I can never laugh the same, I can never smile the same, I can never live the same, because when she left, she took a huge part of me and I am not who I am without her
After week later we had her cremated and had a little service for Khalessi, we said a prayer and released pink balloons for her. Since then I have been thankful to God thankful that he has shown us this beautiful Angel who has taught us how to love and to cherish each other, She brought our families closer then before, and every time we think of her a butterfly is always fluttering near by. She lives within us, she is kept alive with the love we have for her. I was blessed to be given this opportunity to carry her in me for 19 weeks. I think of her everyday every moment in my life and I am at awe that she had chosen me to be her mommy. Now even though my heart still hurts, just to know that God needed a piece of me and my husband in heaven makes my heart feel at peace
I love you Khalessi
June 22, 2011